I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
