And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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