I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
