Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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