Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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