So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
