cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
