Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
