You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
