can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
