Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
