I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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