please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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