i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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