I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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