if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
