Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
