i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
