I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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