my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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