Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
