I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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