Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
