Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
