We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
