Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
