I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
