I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
