so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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