every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
