I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
