Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
