if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
