my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
