what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
