I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
