i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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