just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
