Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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