i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
