What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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