chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
