He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
