Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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