things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
whose ass print is on the piano?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
