I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
