i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
