why didn't you poke me back
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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