so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
