I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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